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I asked her about Craig. Was he wild and spontaneous.. did he love her being like that? Her
answers made me laugh.
NO WAY.. he's how shall I say..... 'regimented'. He has to plan everything.
Sarah is a bright woman. She's got a Doctorate and most of her friends are very intellectual and well read. She told me 'He only has 4 books and 3 of them are on law and that's because he's fighting a legal battle with his ex-wife!'
She also realised that Craig was looking for the 'right woman' - someone who could be a wife and mother - someone who would look good at the tennis club and someone who would be there as a support for him.
OH DEAR! Sarah had two grown up children and she'd gone the corporate wife route with her first husband. It was NOT for her. She was reinventing and unleashing her sexy self on the world..And although she loved his kids, she kind of felt uncomfortable being thought of primarily as a wife and mother. Craig thought he could change Sarah
What stops you?
So - that's a lesson.. the question is how do you know if someone is right for you and what stops you finding out?
What stopped Sarah finding out was Craig's butt! She couldn't take her brain off that butt and all that it represented to her. What stopped Craig finding out was deciding that Sarah would fit in somehow. Their initial burst of great sex was fostered in an unnatural environment. Neither of them had any idea what the other was like in their natural habitat. As they spent time together, Sarah and Craig both discovered several impediments to their potential relationship..
To
be continued as below...
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Lust - the double edged sword?
Lust is a wonderful thing, it is generated deep in our primal sexual drivers.. it interacts with our imprinted physical template of what matches us.. looks, size, hair colour...features.. and when we are in the same room or interact with someone like this, lust rises and engulfs us. It is nature's way of drawing people together.
And Lust can be blind. People can spend idyllic hours in a lust cloud... thick viscous all enveloping feelings, cut out our views of the world below... and we see the world and that person through a very misty lens - the kind of lens that they use in those photo-portrait
companies, that make you look like a 20 year old model when in reality you are 50 and look it!!
It can send you down a blind alley - When you are in lust somehow it doesn't seem to matter that the other person has completely different tastes in the basics of life. It doesn't seem to matter that the other person is very spontaneous and you like to plan everything step by step. It doesn't seem to matter that the other person doesn't have many books while you read voraciously. It doesn't seem to matter that the other person has vastly different values, they don't SEEM different.. and anyway, they'll change. Think again! They'll only change if THEY feel the urge to. I wonder where we get that phrase CLOUD cuckoo land!
It can open up a great new experience - And sometimes when you are in lust, you discover that there are lots of common likes and dislikes and that the person fits more than the physical template you hold. Great, your lusty instinct has led you to find something more.
The key to this is to be able to poke a hole through the cloud and come down to earth sufficiently long to focus on the reality of what you want and what is behind the lust. You may find that person has lots of qualities that you like and that's great.. and you may realise that there is no way you should continue...
Useful Tip: If you are in the lust stage, it might be useful to keep check that you are really being yourself. Are you pretending you like doing something because they do? Or are you genuinely enjoying it. Are you agreeing with their ideas when really you don't... Are you thinking they might change. STOP. If you can't like someone for how they are, and think they'll be OK once you've trained them.. FORGET IT! It doesn't work! Just remember who you are and check in with it regularly.
Sarah and Craig had a case of clashing values. Both of them had been living a story in their
heads that didn't have the full facts. And both of them had been so blinded with lust that they
hadn't paid attention to what the other had been telling them. Their vague discussions about
being together more were based on only a general idea of what they both wanted.
I asked Sarah what was so wonderful about her marriage to her late husband. We produced a
list...
To
be continued below...
He was a creative, spontaneous and open to experiment lover and he loved Sarah to be like
that. They both initiated equally and felt great!
He was intelligent and well read and loved to socialise as did Sarah
He was successful in his own field
He loved her to look sexy because as he said 'other men will take a look at you and think how
did this short overweight man pull her - must have something special in that department'. He
had a sense of humour about himself.
He had a sense of occasion. He loved candles round the bath and dressing up for special
events.
The list was long but these few examples say a lot about Sarah's values. I asked her what she
valued most
Instantly, she said 'he loved and appreciated the wildness and spontaneity in me'.
I asked her about Craig. Was he wild and spontaneous.. did he love her being like that? Her
answers made me laugh.
NO WAY.. he's how shall I say..... 'regimented'. He has to plan everything.
Sarah is a bright woman. She's got a Doctorate and most of her friends are very intellectual and
well read. She told me 'He only has 4 books and 3 of them are on law and that's because he's
fighting a legal battle with his ex-wife!'
She also realised that Craig was looking for the 'right woman' - someone who could be a wife
and mother - someone who would look good at the tennis club and someone who would be
there as a support for him.
OH DEAR! Sarah had two grown up children and she'd gone the corporate wife route with her
first husband. It was NOT for her. She was reinventing and unleashing her sexy self on the
world..And although she loved his kids, she kind of felt uncomfortable being thought of
primarily as a wife and mother. Craig thought he could change Sarah
What stops you?
So - that's a lesson.. the question is how do you know if someone is right for you and what
stops you finding out?
What stopped Sarah finding out was Craig's butt! She couldn't take her brain off that butt and
all that it represented to her. What stopped Craig finding out was deciding that Sarah would fit
in somehow. Their initial burst of great sex was fostered in an unnatural environment. Neither
of them had any idea what the other was like in their natural habitat. As they spent time
together, Sarah and Craig both discovered several impediments to their potential relationship..
Lust - the double edged sword?
Lust is a wonderful thing, it is generated deep in our primal sexual drivers.. it interacts with our
imprinted physical template of what matches us.. looks, size, hair
colour...features.. and when
we are in the same room or interact with someone like this, lust rises and engulfs us. It is
nature's way of drawing people together.
And Lust can be blind. People can spend idyllic hours in a lust cloud... thick viscous all
enveloping feelings, cut out our views of the world below... and we see the world and that
person through a very misty lens - the kind of lens that they use in those photo-portrait
companies, that make you look like a 20 year old model when in reality you are 50 and look it!!
It can send you down a blind alley - When you are in lust somehow it doesn't seem to matter
that the other person has completely different tastes in the basics of life. It doesn't seem to
matter that the other person is very spontaneous and you like to plan everything step by step.
It doesn't seem to matter that the other person doesn't have many books while you read
voraciously. It doesn't seem to matter that the other person has vastly different values, they
don't SEEM different.. and anyway, they'll change. Think again! They'll only change if THEY
feel the urge to. I wonder where we get that phrase CLOUD cuckoo land!
It can open up a great new experience - And sometimes when you are in lust, you discover that
there are lots of common likes and dislikes and that the person fits more than the physical
template you hold. Great, your lusty instinct has led you to find something more.
The key to this is to be able to poke a hole through the cloud and come down to earth
sufficiently long to focus on the reality of what you want and what is behind the lust. You
may find that person has lots of qualities that you like and that's great.. and you may realise
that there is no way you should continue...
Useful Tip: If you are in the lust stage, it might be useful to keep check that you are really
being yourself. Are you pretending you like doing something because they do? Or are you
genuinely enjoying it. Are you agreeing with their ideas when really you don't... Are you
thinking they might change. STOP. If you can't like someone for how they are, and think they'll
be OK once you've trained them.. FORGET IT! It doesn't work! Just remember who you are
and check in with it regularly.
What is important to you in a partner? and more...
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P.S. - Peta Heskell is author of the book Flirt Coach published in the USA by Harper Collins/Thorsons in June 01. She runs the UK Flirting Academy, and coaches
clients privately. She is a frequent media guest in the UK and has run workshops in Florida and Amsterdam, Netherlands.
You can access her website at:www.flirtcoach.com
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