Breakup - Relationship problem advice:

Revenge is sweet. Can't buy into the logic that happiness is the best revenge of all? Still tempted to get your own back but wouldn't dream of sewing prawns into the lining of his suits and leaving him to wonder where on earth that awful smell is coming from whilst facing social rejection? Here are some tips on how to do it safely, with your dignity still in tact and without ending up in jail:

• Hide his most treasured possession. Enjoy the satisfaction of seeing your target hunt high and low without success. Let him sweat for as long as you like and then innocently hand it over. They'll never be sure whether you hid it deliberately or not.

• Spread the gossip. Not malicious rumours about your ex, but gossip about your fantastic new lover and how happy you are (whether or not the lover actually exists). Rest assured, this news will get back to your ex with the speed of an e-mail...

• So-so sex: make it quite clear to anyone who wants to ask you about the sexual side of your relationship that your ex was certainly no great shakes in bed. Like the above, this news will spread like wildfire.

• Sadly, every break-up means the loss of some friends, as those who knew you as a couple will inevitably feel pressured to stay friendly with one of you or the other. Grab the address book first and schmooze everyone, so they want to stay in touch with you, not him.

To be continued below...

• Learn to satisfy your need to get even by imagining something awful happening to your ex, like being impotent with his lover or splitting his trousers at a party.

• Psyche him out. When you bump into your ex, as you inevitably will, keep cool, calm - and be sympathetic. Mention you've heard something about his 'unhappiness'. This will drive him mad: he'll be desperate to ask you what exactly you've heard, but won't dare because then he's at your mercy.

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