#3 - Initial Mouth Control
begin with, you need to learn the proper way to hold your mouth and lips.
When you first start kissing, there is a tendency to want to kiss like you
were taught when you were a child - with your lips puckered, tight and
closed. This is very UN-sexy!
this: open your mouth slightly while relaxing your lips and the muscles of
your face completely. Use your fingers to feel how soft and spongy your
lips feel. This is where things begin. When you want to kiss someone,
don't tighten your lips - keep them relaxed at first.
is a band of muscle the surrounds your mouth in a ring, (called the
"orbicular oris" if you care to know). This is a very strong
muscle and lets you put your mouth into all sorts of shapes - especially
the pucker. You want to use this muscle because, while your lips should be
relaxed, this muscle should be slightly tensed. The key word here is
with your mouth slightly open and your lips relaxed, press your lips
gently against the fleshy part of the back of your hand, behind and
between your thumb and first finger. Hold it there and note how your lips
feel. This is where everything begins, as it's the exact feel you want to
go for when you kiss someone else.
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amount of pressure you use will depend on your particular tastes, but
remember that if you kiss too softly it will tickle and he or she will
pull away. If you kiss too hard, the blood will leave her lips and they'll
go numb. Between these extremes is a lot of navigation room however. Let
your kissing partner help determine what pressure is right.
to keep your lips slightly firm at this point. As you add pressure, your
lips may curl up- and down-ward, exposing the moist inner-lip. You never
want your kisses to start off wet. This is sloppy and shows very poor
form. That doesn't mean that they won't get wet, but that's for later.
#4 - Proper head position
you are looking at your kissing partner straight-on, with your head
exactly parallel to theirs and you try to kiss them, you're just going to
bump noses. So, as you move in, you're going to have to cock your head
slightly. This can be as far as 90 degrees or as little as about 10. Be
sure not to stick your chin out too far however or you're going to just
bump into them!
#5 - Lip position
where your lips are placed isn't really that important. They don't have to
be lined up perfectly with your partners, and in fact should be slightly
can even "stagger" your lip position with your partners lower or
upper lip in between yours for example. The exact position isn't important
as long as a majority of your lips make contact with a majority of their
with Proper "Form"
that you understand how a good kiss starts, let's examine the next parts
of the kiss.
you first start kissing, you should hold somewhat still and just
experience the other person. The point of the kiss is that your lips,
nose, face and cheeks are very sensitive. You can use this to explore the
feelings of being this close to someone.
well, you can use your sense of smell to "breath in" the person
you're kissing. You want to use as many senses as you can - expect sight -
when you're kissing. The experience isn't about doing something to someone
else, it's about using your senses, and arousing someone else's.
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after you make your first lip-lock, hold it still for just a moment. This
may take 3-4 seconds. After this, you want to add just a little motion to
further stimulate the kiss. You can so this by either moving your mouth
slightly, or by keeping your mouth completely still and moving your head
motion adds slight stimulation to the kiss by not only using the pressure
on the front of the lips, but the teeth behind them. But, you don't want
to press too hard - yet.
now that you understand how the kiss should start, and how that feels,
let's move on to the next few steps.
you're at all inclined to try to shove your tongue down your partner's
throat at this point, smack yourself. That isn't how it's done, and you'll
probably never get the chance to try this again with a real person.
your tongue is a technique we'll cover later, but you should be absolutely
clear on the fact that your tongue is NOT part of the initial kiss - it is
far too much, too soon.
you should do now is to extend the sensation of the kiss with more motion.
You can open your mouth a bit more at this point, but again, avoid using
your tongue yet. If done properly, the kiss should be very stimulating -
sending waves of electricity through your body - and your partners. Every
motion will either add to this or enhance it.
you want to vary aspects of the kiss. For example, you can add more
pressure or take it away. You can move your mouth around your partners is
different patterns. You can tighten and relax your lips. You can even take
your partner's lip between your own. The point here is to mix it up adding
to Do With Your Hands
might be wondering where to put your hands while all of this is going on.
If executed properly, your hands should become part of the kiss. They
should be placed somewhere on your partner's body that will add - not
subtract from it. For example, if you rest your hands on your partner's
ass, their focus will be there instead of on the mouth. You can get to
that later, Casanova!
now, put your hands on the small of her back - just above her hips. For
women, wrap your hands up your partner's back. This position gives you
both the ability to draw the other closer. As the kiss progresses you want
this closeness to build and to eventually fade into nothing but the kiss
the kiss progresses, (usually after a minute or two), you can run your
hands around your partner's back adding yet more stimulation to the kiss.
People talk all the time about the "sensual kiss". This is
because, if done properly, a kiss should create huge sensations within
your partner and you - both physical and emotional. The more contact you
add (at the right times, and in the right places), the more of this
sensation builds on the kiss.
is also why you want to avoid touching breasts, nipples, genitals and even
the sides in the beginning. These are hugely sensitive areas that will
actually get sensation just from being close to each other.
you try to add too much stimulation too soon, your partner may actually
become over-stimulated and have to break off the kiss, thus negating the
effect you were going for. As well, if you don't "grow" the
kiss, it becomes boring after a while. Learning to properly use your hands
is one of the techniques to prevent this.
the Tongue to the Kiss
general, guys often add the tongue to a kiss too early. Then, when they
do, it is too aggressive. You absolutely must not try to shove your tongue
down your partner's throat! That's true for men AND women.
tongue is extremely sensitive and should be used only after you've built
up everything else. It's also wet, and as we've already explored,
you don't want the kiss to get wet in the beginning - that's for later.
when you're ready to crank it up a notch the tongue and even teeth can be
a great addition. Here's how:
you part your mouth, draw your tongue forward slightly, touching your
partner's lips very gently. They may respond by either opening their mouth
for you to explore further, or offering you their tongue.
is where things get confusing - what do you do with your tongue now? In
general, you want to use it to taste and explore your partner's mouth,
lips, teeth and tongue. Many people however don't know what to do so they
make any or all of the following mistakes:
"flick" the tongue back and forth like a snake. This can be
a good technique if used IN MODERATION. It isn't the point of using
the tongue, just one technique. If used too much, it just gets
lick. That's not the point either. Some people like to taste their
partner's face and lips, but you'd better be damn sure your partner
likes this because many people don't - that's what they have dogs for!
shove their tongues in and out of their partner's mouth, trying to see
how far they can reach. Very poor form!
the point of using your tongue is to explore. This is done in a slow,
specific way. You can run your tongue over your partner's teeth for
example, but do it slowing and methodically, exploring the ridges and
surfaces. If your partner doesn't like this he or she will tell you by
putting their tongue in the way.
can also run your tongue gently around the inside of your partner's lips,
under the teeth and explore the insides of their mouth. Keep in mind that
the mouth parts are very sensitive, and this may actually tickle then, so
pay attention. If they try to get your attention away from a particular
area of their mouth, find another.
about drawing your partner's tongue into your own mouth? Again, this is
fine. Once there you can either let them explore your mouth, or even use
your tongue to guide them around. You can lick and taste their tongue is
you enjoy this.
try not to suck on a person's tongue. The tongue is very vascular (has a
very large blood supply), so by sucking on it, you will cause it to expand
- a very painful experience! Also, don't bite down on a person's tongue
unless they ask for it. It's just too sensitive.
technique is to GENTLY bite or nibble on your partner's lip. If you're
gentle, you can even suck on it slightly. Pay particular attention to your
partner's responses during this. You don't want to cause pain, just
general, the lower lip is usually better for this than the upper lip, but
everyone is different. Learn what you partner likes and do that.
Parts to Use In the Kiss
you're kissing, don't focus exclusively on the mouth. The rest of the
face, ears and neck are also very sensitive. You can run your lips around
a person's nose or cheek for example. You can also plant little kisses all
over the face - just make sure they're dry kisses. If you leave a moist
trail, it's going to get cold as it dries, and become uncomfortable.
women find the sides of the neck particularly sensitive and sexual. Many
will actually prevent you from kissing or nibbling them there because it
causes such direct sexual arousal! Don't force, but don't hesitate to
ears are also very sensitive. You don't want to bite someone's ear very
hard, but gentle nibbling and sucking - particularly on the ear lobe - can
be very erotic.
people get off on having their chins and cheeks kissed and nibbled. Others
like different kinds of stimulation. Learn to use your face - your nose,
cheeks, chin, even hair - as other ways to stimulate your partner. Pay
attention to what they like, and what they don't like.
you want to be a good kisser, you've got to practice and learn what your
partner likes. There's no shame in asking because everyone is different
and enjoys different things.
kissing can become something of a game - and will often lead to other
things. So take, time and practice!
By Dr. Dennis W.
Neder, he is the author of
Being a Man in a Woman's World
P.S. - Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at
email@example.com for answers. For more information about my book,
“Being a Man in a Woman’s
World”, visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
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